Lisa Nichols once said in her book Abundance Now that when a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean it’s a failure; it just means it’s complete. For a long time, I pondered that statement, even if it’s been years since my previous divorce.

Of course, I had a lot of emotions that came with that decision, primarily shame, guilt and depression. They visit frequently, but I have learned to just let it be. There’s no point in avoiding them. Otherwise, these thoughts will just keep showing up.

Divorce is a traumatic experience in some way, and in my experience, there were three major challenges I went through. Read along and let me know which one resonates with you the most.

Feeling Alone

Feeling alone or even depressed comes from a lack of support from making a life-changing decision. You see, not everyone will agree, understand or even support you. You must take into account that for a long time, you lived a certain kind of way, built this identity that good-meaning friends and family have known you for.

Not only do you have to deal with the change in your life, but they also have to deal with such change, especially if they have known you for one thing.

Maybe your “happily ever story” has inspired them, and the fact that it really is not how they pictured it goes against everything they believed in. I learned as I went through therapy that the reason I have minimal support from people I was hoping to be there for me was that, for a long time, I was in this box. And for the longest time, they were hoping I’d stay put in the box. But that wasn’t the case.

The way to overcome this is when you are ready, to seek support from people who will be supportive of your decisions. They may not be your so-called friends or family, but maybe it’s time to meet new ones who are more than happy to encourage and share important divorce information while you are going through it.

I found support from my therapist, my sister (who admitted she still didn’t understand why I did it, but she just accepted it anyways), some colleagues,s and surprisingly, my boss at the time, who I saw as a strong woman not only in her profession but in her life. The small church group I met weekly also helped; although I don’t share the specifics of my separation or divorce, they were more than happy to offer support and pray for me. Trust me, every little thing helps.

Feeling Lost

I felt this way so many times, especially when I first separated, but later on, I realized it was because I didn’t have the knowledge that I needed to move through the process so I could make informed decisions. I was trying to avoid it and hoping in my mind that it would be over soon. I trusted enough to believe I won’t get screwed over in the process.

Well, it was a bad idea. Once I was crying over a therapy session, and my therapist gave me a piece of information that I needed to check in with. It was for a child support clinic. Although I thought to myself, I really just wanted to be heard, I was grateful that she gave me that info, and I sure took it home with me. I gathered my hot mess self and scheduled to go there on the day they were available.

It blew my mind when I spoke to the social worker. It all became clear to me that I was screwed over for the amount of child support because they signed some paperwork that said I was supposed to be getting a certain (smaller) amount than what we initially agreed.

But the notary guy at the time who was helping me and my ex-husband said, “Oh, you’re still gonna get the same thing, but it’s just to breakdown what the amount would be.”

Long story, after years of making things right (legally), not just for myself but for our son, not to mention thousands of lawyer fees (which I NEVER regret), it was finally straightened out.

Knowledge is power, no matter how cheesy it sounds. Having the right knowledge empowers you to decide the next best step for you. And I’d say it’s not just for divorce; it’s for every area of your life: relationships, career, finance, etc. Take the time to be informed regardless of how painful your circumstance is. You have yourself to thank for after that.

Low Self-Esteem

Here’s the thing. I do believe in myself. I will be a hypocrite to say otherwise or tell you I feel worthless of some sort. I know my worth. And I constantly remind myself that regardless of what other people think of me and my decisions.

But, when you go through a traumatic event, it can affect you, your emotions, and your belief in your own self. You may have episodes of depression. Shame, guilt, negative thought patterns, and even anxiety start taking hold of your own being.

Because you feel shameful for who you are, guilty for what you have done, as evidenced by remorse for hurting everyone in your life, especially your kids, you start feeling like you don’t deserve any good thing that comes your way. You start to punish yourself, hoping it will make up for your “wrong” decision of divorcing.

Step back for a moment and ask yourself, is there any other way you could at that event in your life? Or better yet, if you have a friend going through the same thing, what would you tell her? Would you tell her she’s not worth it or advice her to give herself some grace?

You gotta give yourself some grace, momma. You are definitely going through it. And bringing your confidence back takes a lot of courage, a handful of support, and a dash of accountability.

Takeaway

I promised that I would also share with you some ideas/resources on how to overcome these challenges as you go through a divorce. So here it is:

Feeling Alone

• Don’t worry about burning bridges. Find support from people who are willing and also from support groups. Maybe it’s time to make new friends? Do this slowly, do not overwhelm yourself. Honestly, 2-3 solid people you know you can rely on work best.
• Check out Psychology.com here to find support groups in your area.
• Facebook Groups are also a gold mine for support, but like I said, just pace yourself.

Feeling Lost

• I’ve heard good things about Second Saturday Workshops. I didn’t attend the workshop, but a friend of mine did, and that’s how I heard about it.
• Also, a divorce doesn’t come without money talks, one of the reasons why you may feel lost. You need help navigating the process and your wallet due to this big change. Women’s Insitute for Financial Education (WIFE) is a branch of Second Saturday Workshops with the goal of financial wellness for women.

Low Self-Esteem

• As much as you need to navigate the outside world with much-needed support and information, going through a life change requires you to navigate inwards, which is to rediscover yourself again.
• It’s all about your mindset, but working through is not always rainbows and butterflies.
• Sometimes, you may need to find your purpose behind all these to get that clarity and become more of yourself again. Here is a free journal with 10 questions I share with my clients to help them find their purpose.
• Some meditation/reflection apps that I use: Calm, Shine, BetterSleep, and don’t forget your daily dose of affirmations. Whatever it is, just take one small step a day.

Conclusion

I hope you find this post helpful and know that you are not alone in this journey. Remember that nothing is permanent, and the best is yet to come. What other challenges did you go overcome or are you currently going through with the divorce? How do you manage to get through it? Share your words of wisdom in the comments below! 🙂